What do you do when your kids fight?
Sibling fighting is normal, but still so annoying. Right?
Sibling fighting has got to be one of the most triggering things for parents the world over. The bickering, the name calling, the door slamming, the shouting — surely it’s one of the most annoying parts of parenting having to watch one of your favourite humans fight with one of your other favourite humans!
Lately, Marlow (12) and Wilkie (7) have been at each other more than ever (and more than any of our other kids ever fought). I try to stay out of it as much as I can, and when I do get involved, I really try to stay neutral. But sometimes, the fights turn ugly with mean words thrown about, explosive reactions, and that particular kind of sibling rage that feels disproportionate to whatever started it.
If I’m really honest, I feel most frustrated with Marlow in these situations because I expect more from her being the older one. She’s really mature in nearly every other aspect of life. So why does she let herself get so riled up over the tiniest things? Why does she feel the need to one-up Wilkie or retaliate over something so trivial and often quite childish?
Of course, I can see that Wilkie can be quite annoying. Little brothers have a knack for that (I have three)! But I also know that if Marlow could simply brush it off, there would be far fewer arguments. At the same time, she’s still a child herself. Expecting her to rise above it every time isn’t entirely fair. And I empathise with her too — she’s stuck between a little brother who can be intentionally irritating and two teens who are sometimes snarky. Maybe her patience is just being stretched too thin.
I’ve also noticed a pattern: they fight the most when they’re bored — when we’re home and there’s nothing occupying them. They don’t really fight when we’re out of the house, at the beach or with friends. And of course they don’t fight when we put a movie on for them (a different topic entirely!). But providing constant amusement isn’t realistic, and more importantly, boredom is healthy—it fosters creativity, independence, and problem-solving. I don’t want to shield them from boredom or rush in to fill every unstructured moment. They need to learn how to navigate those moments in a way that doesn’t end in a shouting match.
So what’s the best strategy? Do I resist the urge to intervene, reminding myself that sibling fights are normal—healthy even? After all, learning to argue, to disagree with someone they love, and to resolve conflicts on their own are all important life skills.
But what about when the fights escalate? When they go from bickering to screaming, from disagreements to doors slamming? That feels different. It feels less like conflict resolution and more like chaos in the house. It doesn’t seem like they’re learning to communicate or control their emotions—it just feels disruptive and, honestly, exhausting. And in those moments, I can’t help but wonder: is it ever really ‘healthy’ to be so outraged that you’re screaming at someone you love? Shouldn’t they be learning how to express themselves with more calm and respect?
Usually, that’s when I have to step in — when someone says something truly hurtful or when they’re about to injure each other. I usually try to separate them and explain that I’m disappointed with both of them. I often remind them how lucky they are to have each other, and how upset it makes me when they say or do such spiteful things. I try to encourage each of them to see the other’s point of view (though sometimes, this strategy can fire them back up again). Admittedly, this whole mediation can be exhausting and boring (as they each recount all of the petty things the other one has just said or done to them), but I’ve not come up with a better approach.
In my Tweens & Teens course, I share a lot of wisdom and resources from US-based psychologist, Dr. Lisa Damour, and have found this Ask Lisa podcast episode on sibling fighting particularly helpful. There’s also an episode on sibling dynamics on the ‘This is So Awkward’ podcast, another favourite of mine.
What do you do when your kids fight? Do you step in? Do you let them work it out? And what do you do when it escalates beyond normal sibling squabbles? I’d love to hear your thoughts. Please comment below and share this post with someone who might resonate and comment too.
Courtney x
GO DEEPER
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