When teenagers 'soil the nest' as they prepare to fly
Some thoughts and helpful resources for this transition as your teenager prepares to leave home
This week was the very last week of high school for my eldest, Easton. He still has some big exams to take, but as of today, he will be completely finished with high school.
The reality of this has been creeping into my head all week, and I keep finding it a very difficult thing to comprehend. I think a large part of my brain has been in denial that he will soon be going out into the world on his own and that this chapter of having all five of my children home under one roof is soon to come to an end. As I type that out, I feel a lump in my throat and tears bulging behind my eyeballs. It doesn't seem possible.
It went so quickly -- the last few years especially. Of course I've known this time was coming, but somehow I didn't realise how unprepared I would feel when it arrived. My first baby. The child who has taught me and humbled me and challenged me! So many lessons learned and mistakes made, and a million joyful moments! I question whether I was good enough, whether I was patient enough, whether I could have been better, could have been less hard on him…
There are also plenty of moments where I feel relieved he will soon be moving out of the house. The mess he leaves in the kitchen. The dirty clothes on the bathroom floor. The way he sometimes appears not to care. The opinions at the dinner table! 🤪 But then almost immediately I feel guilty for feeling this way, and the cycle of complex emotions kicks in again. I should have been better. I should have done more…
My mum has always said it’s really natural for teenagers to pull away from their family, to do annoying things that create more space between child and parent. She calls it ‘soiling the nest’. Teens start becoming more prickly, they start challenging their parents, and by doing so they are subconsciously making it easier to leave the nest.
Even still, it’s an emotional transition to navigate, not just for us, but for our children too. Lisa Damour, a psychologist in the US says, "In moving out, teenagers give up almost everything they have ever known, with little grasp of what they are getting. It’s no surprise that they rely on adaptive, if sometimes off-putting, psychological defences to buffer such a stressful transition."
I thought I would share some podcasts and resources that have helped me over the last few years as this transition of separation has been taking place...
The Ask Lisa podcast with Dr. Lisa Damour has an episode devoted to the complex psychological dynamics unfolding for high school seniors and their parents: My college-bound kid is soiling the nest. Help!
I love Lisa Damour's advice in this Fortune Magazine article: Your Teen is Supposed to Argue with you. I love the suggestion that we should have a growth mindset, seeing it as an opportunity to grow and evolve ourselves.
Lorraine Candy's book, 'Mum, What's Wrong with You?' 101 Things Only Mothers of Teenage Girls Know is both funny and relatable and helpful (and I found it was still relatable with teenage boys).
Maggie Dent always has the most encouraging advice. Her book From Boys to Men is a favourite. (My copy has so many dog-eared pages!)
The book, The Incredible Teenage Brain, is a wonderful resource for parents of tweens & teens, and I love how the authors help to reframe adolescence, encouraging us to see it as a time of enormous potential. (I've interviewed the authors several times over the last few years and always feel so encouraged by their advice.)
Below, I leave you with a quote from the beautiful book, Braiding Sweetgrass. It really is a fundamental unfairness...
Have a lovely weekend,
Courtney x
P.S. If you have tweens or teens and would like to learn and understand more, my Tweens & Teens e-course is now available as a self-guided course, meaning you can sign up and gain immediate access to all the materials, incredible interviews and helpful resources.
